Healing the Herd with Michelle East, M.A.

Michelle East is a graduate of our Masters in Counseling Psychology, as well as an equine-assisted therapist and a writer. She returned to Pacifica to enroll in our Ph.D. in Depth Psychology with Specialization in Integrative Therapy and Healing Practices.

*** Sensitivity warning: Due to the nature of Michelle’s work and life experiences, this interview discusses modalities of healing for those affected by suicide, as well as losing one’s house due to fire.***

Angela Wood: I’m delighted to meet you, Michelle. Please tell me about your background and how you came to the Integrative program.

Michelle East: I started off as a professional actor and playwright, but I knew acting wasn’t my lifelong calling. I did it for fun and maybe for therapy, then found my voice in playwriting when I was an undergrad in Theatre at California Institute of the Arts. I knew I always wanted to segue into working in mental health and psychology. When I started a family, I knew it was time to make the change and I found myself applying to the Master’s in Counseling Psychology program at Pacifica when I was 8 months pregnant with my first child. I didn’t know how I was going to juggle all of that, but Pacifica was incredibly supportive. They set up a nursing station and allowed my husband to bring our child to campus at lunchtime. It was astounding how that worked out.

At the time the transition from acting to psychology felt seamless. In some ways acting felt like the mirror image of psychology. At the end of the day, it’s about our stories, our own mythology, and how we express them. That affects my work as a writer too. I was used to being able to use my voice in the spoken word, and then it evolved into the written word in the form of lyrics, playwriting, and memoir. I wanted to understand the scholarly voice; it’s like learning a different language.

I worked in counseling psychology for a while getting my training hours, and then I had a second child, and with the combined demands of family and career, it was too many plates to spin. I simplified my life in order to take a bit of time off to raise my family. In that time, I discovered an intersection to the field I now work in as an equine-assisted therapist. I’d been a lifelong horse person, and to find out that’s something you can do as a profession in the healing arts was a revelation. I love working outdoors and in alternative spaces, it was a perfect fit.

Angela: So you came back to Pacifica to pursue your Ph.D. in our Integrative program? How did that come about?

Michelle: Yes, I’m starting my second year in the Integrative Healing program. 2023 was rough for many people coming out of the lockdown. I found at the time, having two college-age kids, that all of the things I’d used in the past to smooth everyone’s lives over weren’t working any more. I was showing up for everyone else instead of for myself. After the lockdown, I found myself in what one might call in Jungian terms my Descent. I was exhausted, disconnected, and, because of a very complicated work schedule on two different coasts, I was on a plane every two weeks traveling to various parts of the country. I needed to pause and reset, which I was fortunate to be able to do. And as it turned out, I actually didn’t need to hold the world together for my family and friends. During that time, I realized I had lost a connection to my own purpose. I was at the crossroads. I found myself again applying to Pacifica, I needed in a sense to go back to the place that felt like home and hearth. I also knew that I needed to hone my skills, and find the focus of my next act. I wanted to reconnect with my calling of equine-assisted therapy, and also discover how I could contribute to my field in a more significant way.

Angela: Do you know yet what your dissertation will be about or are you still exploring?

Michelle: I do. Trigger warning. I have a complex family history of addiction and suicide. When I was thirteen, my father died by suicide in a public setting. It was a life-altering event and I found it incredibly difficult to describe to people. There were no services or support systems in place for myself or my family members. What remained in the aftermath were secrets, shame, and a label. We have public awareness for suicide prevention, but we have very little to offer to those who hold such a shadowy legacy.

So when people say, “My dissertation chose me,” my dissertation really has chosen me, over and over. I hope to develop a modality using equine-assisted therapy, Depth Psychology, trauma-informed care, and other creative methods for those who have been affected by someone who has died by suicide.  In order for me to take this work from an idea to a realized dream, I knew I wanted to work under the guidance of the Pacifica faculty, for whom I am already so grateful.

I need to truly understand the impact of suicide from a psychological and spiritual standpoint to complete this work. In these early stages of my research, information keeps revealing itself — every day the way forward for my dissertation continues to choose me.

Angela: Can you tell us more about the specifics of your focus?

Michelle: I’m working with the ideas of re-wilding, herd building, and healing within the circle of family and friends. I’ve had the opportunity to photograph and experience horses in the wild at Return to Freedom mustang reserve in Los Osos. I noticed the bands of horses naturally re-establishing strengths and weakness when one is injured or expires, fortifying the relationships within the herd.  So my question is, how do we honor the place that is lost in a human family constellation after a suicide, so the herd can be healthy, even thrive? I haven’t heard anyone ask this question in relation to equine-assisted therapy. I have people in my life who are still trying to fill the empty space after such a loss because the shadow left behind is so dark.

Angela: Why are horses particularly good to work with in this way?

Michelle: When working in trauma-informed care, a client may have had life experiences that are unspeakable. Equine-assisted therapy is primarily somatic and non-verbal, which allows the client to be in the space of their physical body. Horses are prey animals and mirror emotion as a survival tactic to communicate information to other herd members. Being present with horses invites awareness of the clients’ themes and offers them insight on their healing journey. These sessions can then support the work they do outside of the arena with a more traditional form of therapy.

There is movement in educational circles to create support and mental health services in the aftermath of school-related suicides. Some states like Michigan and Minnesota have created templates of what to do if a student has taken their life. It’s very comprehensive and inclusive of first responders. I’d love to be a part of a new way forward — to be able to offer a place where people can talk about suicide freely without being publicly shamed or guilted by the judgment of societal silencing.

Angela: I understand you’ve been through some very intense life changes recently, having lost your home in a fire in January. I can imagine that this would be a catastrophic loss to one’s sense of place, safety, history, and perhaps even one’s sense of self. How are you feeling now, and looking back, what kind of a process has this been for you?

Michelle: Our whole town of Altadena, a historically diverse community in a beautiful shire, housing musicians, artists, and scientists, burned overnight. We were actually on a flight when the fire broke out. I had the Christmas ornaments freshly packed up, important photos and sensitive papers were by the door where I always place them before I leave for a trip. By the time we touched down, we received calls from the kids that they’d evacuated, having taken only a few items, as it happened so quickly. By morning our home, and most of our neighborhood, was gone.

It has helped me immensely to acquiesce and give in to the process of grieving during this time of recovery. I knew what I was probably going to experience from a clinical perspective, yet I had to toss that out the window. I had to go into the arms of the underworld and let go. In a sense, I went on an archeological dig of my life.

It was miraculous and haunting at the same time to be at the still-smoking remains of the house with our family and neighbors, digging through the ashes, hearing the audible grief all around us; it was a collective grief. Some of my neighbors had lived in Altadena for over 40 years, and nobody thought Altadena would ever actually burn. It looked like a war zone. Sifting through cinders and finding old treasures that were now singed and twisted. Objects that you once imprinted. Parts of my altars, artifacts of my creative life. And you’re hoping you’ll find this one thing, or this other thing. Two of my family members are musicians, and sixty-four instruments, including the piano we bought when we were first married, went up in the fire. Strangely, the very last thing I looked for was the pieces of the Berlin wall that I’d hacked off myself in 1989. I was ironically looking for rubble in the ruins. I know I’ll always feel the impact of the fire, but I realized I didn’t want to fossilize in my own grief.

Angela: Do you feel that depth psychology gives us tools to adapt, survive, or heal when loss occurs in our lives?

Michelle: Without a doubt. This is where Pacifica was a beacon for me. When the fire happened, I made the decision to stay in school. Pacifica’s staff and faculty were incredibly supportive in helping navigate those first few months.

In my healing process I realized what I needed most was nature and being outdoors. When your whole world changes overnight there is a halting of the reality you once knew. In the natural world, there is trust that the seasons will return, which felt tender and hopeful to me. I watched winter turn to spring and somehow I knew joy would come again. I could still experience the cherry blossoms return, and walk in the local oak groves. I also felt a need to be near water and the ocean to temper that fire, which seemed to somehow attach itself to me. The baby blankets that still smell like your kids, the Christmas ornaments, the photos and art work, the things we sometimes wrap our identity in….all those physical objects were committed to memory. Psyche still holds that for me.

I have an amazing Cohort that I am so grateful for. They were aware that all of my archetype decks, stones, and other altar devotions were gone. Unbeknownst to me, they gathered me up and threw what I now call a “Soul Shower,” enveloping me in love and goodness, overwhelming me with spiritual gifts to begin to assemble a new sanctuary. They understood it would take some time for me to adjust and reorganize my life. The support is there at Pacifica, not just to be educated but to be witnessed in your growth and invited to be part of the continuum.

Angela: I understand you recently attended a trauma conference in Oxford, and even went to Stonehenge for Mabon. Tell us a little about what that was like.

Michelle: We had the opportunity to travel this summer and work remotely. My family is from northern Italy on Lake Garda, where we have a restaurant and bakery in the village where my grandmother is from. When we realized we couldn’t start re-building right away, we decided to wander and spend time with the family. And then, a dear friend offered her riverside flat in a small country village in the UK, so we’ve been following the signs and trying to adapt to this new reality. I’ve been riding horses in the forest, writing, and being near water as much as possible. I’m taking it one step at a time, and all the while, experiencing a series of miracles unfold. We happened to find that Stonehenge was open for sunrise on the Equinox, so we said “Let’s go!” It was one of the most beautiful gatherings I’ve ever attended. I didn’t know what it was going to be like, but I found myself in Salisbury at dawn, standing with hundreds of beautiful people, all of us in complete awe of the sunrise. The druids were praying in ceremony and chanting, attended by dozens of musicians and a drum circle. You could actually touch the stones and walk among them. Everyone was so kind to each other. It was beautiful mayhem, so soulful.

During my time in the UK, I also happened to see that there was a scholarship offered for the Oxford Trauma Conference in late September. This was the connective tissue I needed for my dissertation research. They had access to speakers and presenters who are masters in our field. I was able to attend presentations and supervision panels with Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, Dr. Tara Swart, Dr. Richard Schwartz, and Esther Perel.

Angela: What direction is your career heading in, after all of this change?

Michelle: I’m primarily focused on writing and publishing right now. I have a series of children’s books that I wrote with the illustrator Candace J. Metzger, and we’re hoping to see good things happening with that project soon. I just received news that a piece of my art lost in the fire will be in the Fall issue of the Pacifica Mythological Studies Journal. It was an image that I made during Dr. Rajan’s lectures, and I happened to send her a photo as part of my assignment. If I hadn’t sent it to her, it would have been a lost image.

I’ll still be holding workshops and doing some individual client work with the horses at Bee Box Movie Ranch in Acton, California, with my trainer and resident horse-whisperer Cisco Miralles. I’ve retired my beloved Irish Drum horse Fearghus to the barn where he was born in Michigan. I’m hoping to have my own facility at some point and be able to have my equine partners at home, when I rebuild my life in California.

I’m honestly just happy to be here.

Angela: Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, and best of luck with being published!

Both our Masters in Counseling Psychology and our Ph.D. in Depth Psychology with Specialization in Integrative Therapy and Healing Practices are now accepting applications!